Self Diagnosis

I feel as though I am highly qualified to diagnose myself because all of the medical professionals on Oprah & Dr. Phil tell us to "listen to your body". Oh, & by the way, I would jump at the opportunity to do the same for at least half of the general population.....of the world. Anyway..... So...I've decided that I suffer from (wait for it....you're gonna love this)......Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I believe that I suffer from this condition because I quite honestly believe that my body is smaller than it actually is. Now, don't get me wrong....I don't think that I'm a size 2 (or 4 or 6 or 16 or even 18) but seriously when I pick something up in a store that I think might fit....it very rarely does. There.....hopefully by me sharing my "problem"; I can help others out there.

Thieving Bandit in the House & Pic-Pocketing Bums in Walmart

I find myself singing in my head Cher's, "Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves". This morning when I went into Chayse & Brigham's room to wake them up for school, I noticed that the clothes that I have been telling Brigham to put away for 3 days, were still on his dresser. Normally I would have just screamed (again) for him to "Do it...RIGHT NOW!!!"...resulting in it still not getting done....so I did it myself. DUDE.....I SERIOUSLY HIT THE MOTHER LOAD. I just happen to see a baby shoes charm in his drawer. I felt a heat wave rise over my face. At that split second, Brigham sat bolt straight up with absolute fear in his eyes. I franticly started raking through his drawer, freaking & screaming the whole time. When I was finished destroying his drawer I had recovered a "Promise Ring" from Monty, my Engagement Ring & one of the side rings that goes with my Engagement Ring, a 4 garnet ring from my Mom for Graduation, a gold ring given when my Dad had his 1st Heart Attack, a gold ring with 3 crystals, a gold & diamond heart pendant, a pearl ring that I personally fished the pearl out of tank in San Francisco @ Fisherman's Wharf, Monty's School Ring, Monty's original Wedding Band, a watch face (that needs a new band) & the baby shoes charm that started the rampage. I could have quite easily killed him...& he knew it...& more importantly I knew it....so I walked away. THEN.......................................... After spending only an hour in Walmart I headed for the check out. Keep in mind...I am aware that I probably look like Freak Show with all 4 kids with me. Today I only had (afformentioned thief) Brig & Slade in his carseat on the end of the cart...so to be told "You look like you have your hands full." by the grubby, (not just smell but) reak of smoke & alcohol bums behind me in line was a total bunch of crap. Shortly after that comment was made, the woman of the pair started handing me things to put up on the till from my cart...all in the name of "help". Instantly, I felt weird & stressed. I didn't step away from my cart to put the stuff up that she was handing to me. I just took it & threw it over Slade onto the till. I was gracious & thanked her. The whole time she was handing me things; she & the long bearded man with her were asking me questions about the boys & commenting on my items. I knew when she handed me the last thing that it was the last thing & that she had no reason to reach back into the cart, so when she did I went on guard. In the blink of an eye she had my wallet; straight out of my bag, in her hand. In a fairly loud (loud enough that the Cashier heard me) & very stern voice I offered my opinion to her on the matter. "You might want to put that back before I start screaming for Security." She looked me straight in the eye, swallowed really hard, lowered my wallet back into the cart & she & her cohort backed away from my cart as I reached in for my wallet & bag & allowed me to push the cart through. I paid for my crap, turned to the couple & thanked her again for "helping" me & left. Just as I was loading my stuff into the van; 2 Security guys stopped them. Once I was in the van, my heart started racing & I felt mad & frustrated. I must have had "Easy Target" on my back today. NOT!!!!!!!! NOTE....Brigham is Grounded to his room every afternoon for 2 weeks. Might be tough for a 5 year old, but next time your jewelry box is cleaned out by your kid let me know how you feel.